It’s been quite a while since I last posted; it feels like years even though it’s only a couple of months as so much has happened.
This morning in class, I told my students it felt like I had not met with them for years, even though it was only in July that we said goodbye for the summer break. I forgot how to use some of the features of our virtual classroom.
Though I went to Cebu twice last year, and to Manila this year, I haven’t left the country in over 2 years. The last flight I took was 2 weeks ago, coming home from Manila, and I felt so sorry for myself for feeling nervous about the turbulence.
Before the pandemic, I took 4 flights every month for almost 4 consecutive years, and always took red-eye flights that I was too tired to worry about turbulence.
These days I easily get nervous, scared. I’d rather pay more than take a late afternoon flight. But I know I should overcome this fear.
I still have some traveling to do. I still have to see my husband again.
There’s still so much that needs to be done. There’s still miles to go….
When burdened with life's Unending demands, the soul Needs tranquility.
I’ve been so busy multi-tasking. Once again, I’m a full-time student and on top of that, a full-time teacher.
It’s hard to find time to be quiet when now the only reason I wake up early is to work on projects my professors have asked the class to do. Though I enjoy being a student again, I miss having some quiet time. I miss going up to my property to do gardening or just raking fallen leaves which was what kept me contentedly busy last year.
I do enjoy being busy — I feel I am learning so much from the tasks the professors assign the class; I feel productive making lessons for my own classes in the university; it makes me happy spending time with my son….
Perhaps it’s time I practice being quiet for reflection while busy working or studying. I’d probably end up more productive.
Time is precious. The earlier a person realizes that, the more certain he will be he won’t regret its passing.
I checked the date today and realized I had only been back from home for a week. It feels like I had not been home for a month and missing my son so bad.
Is it time that plays tricks on us, or is it our brain?
Sometimes a memory comes into mind, and I would feel it happened just yesterday. Other times I would feel it happened a lifetime ago.
Sometimes I wish I could relive a memory, not just recall it. Like how my son as a toddler, looked at and listened to me when I sang to him, as if I was the most entertaining person in the world, and he was my number 1 fan. Or how he would stop playing and run to me to hug me while I was busy in the kitchen.
Other memories I just want to erase, the same way you highlight a text you’re typing (Ctrl-A) and then press delete. Save. That quickly. But the irony is, the more you want to forget something, the more it rankles in your mind. Memories like these are hard to forget. Is there ever a way to forget?
When I was in my early twenties, I truly understood the meaning of “everything has its end.” Both good and bad. Since then I have always been aware of how the happiness I may be feeling at one time, may turn into sadness any minute. As a result, I’ve learned to treasure happy times, and to look forward to the end of my troubles. This has worked quite well for me over the years.
Yet at that moment when I am going through a difficult time, it always seems as if the end is taking forever to come.
Like it is now.
Though I know I’ll be able to sincerely smile and laugh again, for now faking it will have to do. This is part of the process. Real happiness will come again, perhaps in a day or two, a week or two, a month or two. Or a year.
But for now, patience.
May you have patience to bear whatever burden you have on your shoulders today. 💕
I dreamt of this time for years now. Being alone. Not rushing. A whole day To think, To write.
And now I have this much time But somehow I can’t think And the words won’t come out. I can only feel Your absence As I walk alone Leisurely.
What do I do with this much time In my hands?
It’s only been three days But it feels like ages Since I kissed your soft, little cheek And inhaled the baby scent from your hair As you peacefully lay asleep Unaware that when you woke Mommy would have been gone.
But I will see you again I promise.
Because I can’t go on for long Feeling the emptiness In that corner of my heart That only you can fill.