Two weeks ago I had to undergo a surgery to remove what my doctor believed to be a benign tumor. The night before I had to go the hospital I told my husband I didn’t want to go through with it. I was afraid of what would happen if the surgery didn’t go well, like ending up with facial paralysis, etc. But my husband wouldn’t have any of it and assured me it would be OK.

On the day of the surgery I was not really scared, and my husband and I were even joking as he helped wheel me through the operating room. My attitude was kind of the same as when I had the C-section — just get it over and done with.

It wasn’t my first time to be put under general anesthesia, but this was the longest I was unconscious — two hours and a half. And when I woke up, I felt like days had passed instead of just 2 and a half hours. I was disoriented for days after the surgery.

It didn’t help that I couldn’t sleep for about a week. Even now I still feel weak and don’t feel like my normal self.

It feels so strange how you’re up and so active one day and the next you’re too weak to even walk half a kilometer.

Two days before the surgery I helped organize a webinar which was more successful than our professor and the department ever expected. I played a big role in organizing it as I had invited the speaker and some participants from other countries.

After the surgery, the excitement over the successful webinar was just like a dream.

Two weeks after the surgery I still wonder about the time I was put under for two hours. I was unconscious. It was not like sleeping at all. When you wake up from a sleep, you know you had been sleeping. But when I woke up from anesthesia, I felt like for a few hours, I ceased to be. My world stopped. I was gone. And it made me wonder if death is just the same. When we die, is it like our consciousness has been switched off? If death is just like that, what’s there to fear?

I think I’ve said it here before. I’m not really afraid of dying, but living in pain, or leaving behind people who need me, like my son.

But I know some people who are afraid of the uncertainty surrounding death.

My interest in the subject of anesthesia led me to this article about anesthesia for dying patients. Quite an interesting article.

Thanks for reading. I hope you have a good week!