Tag Archives: judgment

Kindness and the Power of the Pause

by

3

“A pause may give way to understanding; it may silence hurtful words; it may avert a broken heart.”

Cameron, Donna. A Year of Living Kindly: Choices That Will Change Your Life and the World Around You . She Writes Press. Kindle Edition.

It was only last week that I discovered Donna Cameron’s book is available on Kindle, so I bought it right away and read it. It’s interesting how reading about kindness can be very relaxing and actually want you to become a kinder person.

The chapter on “The Power of the Pause” came to mind yesterday when I saw an unfortunate incident at the mall. I was in one store when I heard a woman yelling at a little boy, must be 3 or 4 years old. He was running around, and the woman who was probably the mother, kept yelling at him. I was thinking to myself, why does she have to keep yelling? At one point, the boy hid under the clothes hanging in a rack, after which the woman grabbed him so hard that he was lifted off the ground. Then she hit his head a couple of times. I let out a cry and covered my mouth, and the other customers who saw the same thing looked at me and looked at the woman. The woman also looked at me, and walked away still yelling at the now crying boy.

I know better than to get involved and speak in a language they do not understand. I know she would only be yelling at me in a language I do not understand very well. It’s a different language in a different country with a different culture.

I was shaken. I felt so sorry for the boy. I was ready to condemn the woman for being so violent and irresponsible — why have a baby when you do not have patience dealing with growing children? But I also got to see the look in the woman’s face which was filled with anger. It made me think, surely it was not just the boy’s naughtiness that made her angry? She must be going through something that made her have that evil look on her face while watching a little boy who was only playing happily?

I left the store praying for that little boy and the woman. People may think I should have done something more than just pray for them –if I were in my country, I would, without a doubt. But in another country, I am grateful for the pause.

May we all learn to pause, not only when we feel anger building in us, but also when we are tempted to judge others for what they do.

“Judge not…”

by

2

My students like to use the cliché, “Every coin has two sides” when they write an essay, and I often joke, “But not everything is a coin!” 

“Things” are not limited to two sides. Every story or issue can be seen from very different angles and given different interpretations, and if one is not conscious of how the person telling the story is weaving a narrative from just a single position, one can be easily deceived into believing that what he is hearing is the truth. 

I had this epiphany watching Game of Thrones, and watching my reaction to the character, Jaime Lannister. Jaime was at first portrayed as arrogant and heartless, but after a couple of seasons, he was shown to be a more sensible and even compassionate person. (I only read 2 pages of the novel, so) I then thought to myself how writers have so much power over viewers’ emotions — they can make you love or hate a person — by controlling the narrative! And in real life, it is like that too. People around you tell stories that, should you instantly believe them, could make you prematurely judge others. 

It was only in August last year that I got to watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy and read the three books the following month,(and realized how GoT borrowed much from LOTR.)

Like Jaime in GoT, Gollum also seemed contemptible at first, but upon learning about his past, one cannot help but have compassion for him. 

Smeagol/Gollum’s story is one that made me truly liked Tolkien and how he saw people, especially in this conversation between Gandalf and Frodo: 

“…What a pity that Bilbo did not stab that vile creature [Gollum], when he had a chance.

Pity? It was Pity that stayed his hand. Pity, and Mercy: not to strike without need…” 

(To me, Tolkien’s books showed how well he understood people in much the same way that Dostoevsky revealed the same in his novels which makes me love both authors.)

In the same scene, Gandalf said, “Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. I have not much hope that Gollum can be cured before he dies, but there is a chance of it.” 

Here it is made clear that Gollum/Smeagol himself was a victim; that he lost control of himself and is to be pitied. Later, Frodo himself felt the same pity for Smeagol when he realized the power the ring had over him. Even when Sam wanted to get rid of Gollum, Frodo stopped him because Frodo understood. 

Many times I’ve been tempted to judge people especially when the ones telling me their stories are those that I trust. My hope is that I will always remember to pause, and to see the “story” from a different angle, to reserve judgment or to never judge at all. Lest I too be judged.